It’s been a really really really long season. 231 days ago Parms 4s stepped out on the field against Mill Hill, fresh-faced and full of hope and anticipation of the new season. Back then, we could enjoy our football. Nowadays, we’re obsessed with permutations. What if St James drop points against Alexandra Park? What goal difference will we need if we draw against the 5ths? What happens if Crouch End and St James hate each other so much that they physically can’t make it through a game of football without killing each other? All of these possibilities and more were discussed and considered as Parms figured out how they could finally with the league they’ve spent so long competing in. What we did know is win today and we only needed one point from our last two to secure the title. Ultimately, it was in our own hands, and we just had to take each game at a time. Today was a biggie. Since shushing us on our own Instagram account after a pre-season victory, the 5ths have been a constant thorn in our side, consistently picking up points and keeping hot on our heels at the top of the table. While their hopes of the title had recently faded, we knew there would be no greater motivation for them than stopping us from getting our hands on a league and cup double.

With two monumental friendlies rightfully taking priority on the 4g, we were left with a nervous wait on Friday night as the rain fell, praying the pitch would hold up. Luckily the geese soaked up any surface moisture and the game was on. Now we could focus on the game without any other distractions or delays. 30 minutes after our scheduled kick off time, a ball had not been kicked. The referee, thinking the game was scheduled for 2pm rather than 1pm, could be seen meandering over at a pace that could only be described as ‘what the fuck are you doing hurry the fuck up everyone is waiting’. Once the referee arrived, allowing for some further time to put shin pads on and converse with anyone he laid eyes on, we finally got the game underway.

Bang. Bang. 4ths 2-0 up.

The 4ths bolted out of the gates like we had somewhere to be. Both goals from perfect Andre corners, one unluckily turned into his own net by the 5ths centre mid, the other finished by Christian at the second attempt.

2 became 3 which became 4 very quickly. Jude Willingham, tired of winning every header available to him, ventured up the field and scuffed one on the bottom corner. A few minutes later, great link up between Andre and Dylan resulted in the latter heading home deftly. It had been a professional first half display, and there was an air of ‘getting the job done’ about it. The 5ths weren’t going to lie down though, and pulled one back with a few minutes to go after a well worked move down the right and a lovely chipped finish.

At half time the ref seemingly got bored and decided to go absolutely full celebrity ref during the second 45. While Christian made it 5-1 with a strikers finish after brilliant work from Andre down the left, that was overshadowed by a series of bizarre decisions. One of which was to stop play after the centre back played it back to the keeper in order to tell everyone ‘that wasn’t a pass back’ and play a drop ball - another was to blow up for a foul after the 5ths tried to take a throw-in, claiming the ball hadn’t gone out of play (it had). All of this increased the frustration on the pitch of both teams, in what was an absolute clinic in how not to manage a game. The 5ths started to throw in some pretty gnarly challenges on and off the ball, but nothing went over the line, and we gave some back in return. The referee, again deciding he hadn’t got enough of the limelight, stopped the game with 10 minutes to go and threatened to abandon the match, reasons unclear. A bizarre break in play gave the players a chance to check the real world of their phones, which led to the realisation that St James had lost their match. As it stands, we are champions. But wait, is the game going to be abandoned? Is the St James result actually correct or, like happens frequently, will the score be reversed later tonight? No one knew what to think. Luckily, we had the first team giving the referee a ‘you can do it!’ pep talk which convinced him to restart the game. It felt like we should’ve just called it anyway - we were 45 minutes behind schedule and with the match all but done, it wasn’t clear what would happen in the remaining 10 minutes to make it worth while.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. As the ball dropped from the sky 20 yards out, both Sam and Matt screamed respectively at Jude Willingham to play the high percentage pass out to either wing. Will, filled with youthful exuberance and a knowledge that no one in Junior Division North 1 really deserves to tread on the same ground as him, ignored the shouts and soared to meet the ball at chest height with a scissor motion, thundercunting the ball into the back of the net past the helpless keeper. Undoubtedly the goal of the season, by an absolute cheat code of a player. The game ended 6-1.

At full time the celebrations were muted, with the team refusing to trust the SAL website’s integrity. On paper, we’d won the league. But we just knew if we popped the champagne too early the result would switch and we’d bottle it on the last day and look like complete mugs. And so we waited. Sam messaged the manager of St James opposition on LinkedIn, the only possible connection we had to the game we were waiting so keenly for. Incredulous that the AP4s manager doesn’t check his LinkedIn on a Saturday afternoon, we turned to Francis. Francis knows a guy. A few phone calls later and we got the news - St James had lost and Old Parmiterians 4ths are league champions. Finally the emotion was released - which manifested itself in Andre spilling at least 3 beers all over Tom’s phone.

231 days since we’d first stepped on the field, through highs, lows, rain, sun, a mid-season Kloppage from Omari, a cup win, some cup losses, more double headers than a Siamese twin convention, and finally a celebrity referee rivalling Mike dean, we’d finally pulled through. A league and cup double that we know is such a rare achievement. A massive effort from everyone involved, in particular Omari who has dealt with enough tactical systems and whining players to last a lifetime. Today we are exhausted, drained at the sheer volume of football we’ve played all year. But next Saturday, as our title rivals St James give us a guard of honour at the fortress, we’ll know - it was all so worth it.