It’s been a stop start few weeks for Parms 4s with regular postponements making Saturday’s visit of Nottsborough 4s in the SAL Intermediate Cup only our 2nd game in a month. Our 100% record in all competitions was being threatened not only by a lack of momentum, but also by a very strong team sitting atop the league above us. Having been put in the Intermediate Cup by mistake, making us the de facto lowest ranked team, we knew we were in for the toughest test of our season. However, we’d already knocked out one team from a higher division in the first round, so there was still a sense of belonging – we certainly weren’t in the cup just to make up the numbers.

Omari needed to make sure everyone was fully aware of their responsibilities on the pitch. For Dom, this meant sending him a 10 minute ‘How to beat the press’ Youtube compilation. Dom, who’d only just finished mastering the moves of 2007 Iniesta days prior, studied the play intently. He analysed the fine details, the subtle movements, the level of intricacy it takes to beat a high press at the highest level. When he was finished, he simply stated “they just run around in circles a lot”. It’s that level of cutting-edge analysis that sets him apart from the rest. He was ready. We were ready.

As we got to the ground, Dom was practically giddy with excitement at the prospect of seeing some Loughborough University alumni in the opposition lineup. He was wearing his freshly ironed Loughborough jumper and pushing his chest out as to put the badge at the forefront of everyone’s vision. “Howdy fellas! Remember me? The Holt 2016?” But there was no reply. Instead, they simply held the door open for us and smiled as we walked past. They looked like a team that had made a habit out of winning that they didn’t expect to break today.

Saturday marked the return of Abdou, after a period back home in Senegal channelling his inner Sadio Mane. Described to those who hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing him on the pitch before as our ‘secret weapon’, it was truly an honour to share the changing room once more with the best dressed man from Dakar to Bologna.

Omari knew how tough the game was going to be and had written a rousing pre-match team talk to get the troops motivated. “Okely Dokely”, he began. Say no more Gaffer. The energy was electric. Jake punched his fist through a wall. Christian mainlined eight bottles of Prime without them touching the sides. Tom rubbed deep heat directly into his eye sockets. The boys were firing.

An issue became apparent immediately as we walked out to the pitch. Not only were both teams wearing red, but the sun was also logging off for the day far earlier than scheduled, making it practically impossible to tell the two teams apart. So much so that for a minute I could’ve sworn I saw our old reserves manager lining up for the opposition, but I didn’t notice him for the rest of the game, so I must’ve been mistaken.

Just before kick off the referee walked over to Dylan looking genuinely starstruck. “I’ve been following your season, you’ve had a great start” he said, shaking the captain’s hand. “The team you mean?” Dylan replied humbly. “No, you Dylan”. One of the more bizarre encounters I’ve seen between player and referee meant that Dylan started the game with his shorts barely containing his throbbing excitement.

The game began very evenly with few chances for each side. Parms pressed well and won the ball high up the pitch on a number of occasions but couldn’t find an opening. On the half hour mark, a loose ball came to the feet of the Nottsborough midfielder who volleyed strongly, but straight at Ben. Bouncing at Ben’s feet, the ball took a horrible bounce and fired up at his head. He showed matrix-like agility to swerve the ball and avoid an early decapitation, however that let the ball fly past him into the net. A disappointing start to the half got even worse a few minutes later, as a corner floated into the back post for an unnamed player to head home and point aggressively at his new badge.

2-0 down at the break and things were pretty bleak. It’s a shame for the winning streak to end, but we couldn’t be too disappointed, as this was always going to be a tough test. Omari stressed that we should not be disheartened, we’ve held our own and we can be proud that we’re competing.

The ref came over at half time to apologise to me for a poor decision earlier on and said, “you’re just such a nice man so I wanted to apologise”. I’ve got absolutely no idea how this man knows so much about the performances and personalities the Old Parmiterians 4s squad, but I respected the interaction, and it made me feel a little better after being hooked by Omari for a purely ineffectual performance in the first 45.

The game restarted and Parms immediately took control of the game. Andre repeatedly threatened with his crosses, but no one was on the end of it. You just felt like one goal was all we needed to spark a comeback. Eventually it came, again through the foot of Andre, striking a freekick well past a flapping keeper. Game on. Parms were so up for it, and it looked like Nottsborough were a little worried. Some rowdy punter on the side (not me) goaded the Nottsborough players: “don’t be the team to lose to a team in the division below lads! Pressure’s on you Nottsborough”. They seemed to agree. They’re nervous. We’re calm.

The nerves showed as Parms pushed again, with the keeper screaming “REF! SHOELACES REF!!! SHOOOEELACES!!!” call an ambulance referee!!! Not the shoelaces, oh the humanity. The referee ignored the desperate calls to slow the game down and we pressed on.

Five minutes later and Parms charged forward through Dylan, looking to give the referee the show he’d obviously come for. He got sandwiched between three Nottsborough defenders but just about got a toe to the ball (VAR pending), to push it into the path of Manny. As he struck it towards goal, time stood still, as did the keeper, as it settled into the corner. 2-2! The comeback was complete and Parms were now the ones pressing to win the game. Nottsborough were crumbling, arguing amongst themselves about who should’ve picked up the man, whether Loughborough should be a Russell Group Uni, why Trent SU was the best place to spend a Saturday night.

With 15 minutes to go the ball came in from an Andre corner and was cleared well. Nottsborough breathed a sigh of relief as the ball bounced harmlessly away from their goal 30 yards out. But they didn’t know. They had absolutely no idea. Our former parish member had forgotten to warn them about our secret weapon. Raised with the mindset of Gennaro Gattuso, but with Senegalese flair built deep into his DNA, Abdou possesses a skillset so bizarre that he somehow makes the possible impossible, and the impossible possible all at once. Running back towards his own goal, he spun on the half-turn and hit a half volley so sweetly that it almost ripped the net into two. Pandemonium. I barely know what to do with myself as I sprint on to pitch to join the celebrations. An unbelievable turnaround completed. From the sideline, chants of “Who are we? Parms! Who are they? We don’t care!” and “Whose home is it? Whose home is it?” rang out from Jahlee, performing the important role of sideline aggressor. Nottsborough looked shellshocked. THEY’RE NERVOUS. WE’RE CALM.

You’d have been forgiven for thinking the next 15 minutes had Parms with their backs against the wall, but nothing could be further from the truth. We continued to dominate and there was almost a party-like atmosphere. Tom pulled off two completely unnecessary roulette passes in his own half to really rub salt into higher-educated wounds. It could’ve been 4 or 5 if not for some sloppy final passes. Some tactical cramp in both legs later from Dylan and the referee blew for full time, not wanting his star player to risk injury.

What a turnaround and what a result for Parms. We continue our 100% record this season and the unlikely quadruple gets one step closer. We aren’t even supposed to be in this cup, and yet we’re in the hat for the third round. This is shaping up to be one of the greatest administration errors of all time. Rumours are circling that Brad Pitt is going to play the clumsy SAL administrator putting us in the wrong cup when our incredible triumph gets adapted into a feature film. Evidently, we’re not getting ahead of ourselves.